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Monday, November 30, 2009?
im actually more drunk then i expected ... didnt realise i drank so much...
went to my grandma's birthday dinner thing and went to alps with my sis to meet her friends.

was ordering lots of jack daniels...
at one point jie xin asked my sis.
my ex girlfriend's JD is gonna expire in 2 days, well expire of storage at least. it actually can last 2 more months.
and asked us if we wanna have it.

and we took it.. was feeling abit bad at first but come to think of it, i believe i kinda paid for the drink too, i still remembered i transfered her 80 that night she went to alps with her classmates.
so o well, i was a contributor to the drink too so the measly 2 cups wasnt too much to guess.
there were times i almost msged her but for some reason managed to hold back myself..
glad i did... or some drama would happen. o wait, she wont reply me.. haha ..

guess thats all for yesterday..
i still miss her :D
its coming one month since i last saw her ..
lets just see how long this will last ..
i think i still love her .. o well ...
love is such a weird thing ...


i woke up at 7am o.O
weird ...
very weird dream ...
but o well .. it was fun lol ..

been watching one piece till now .. gonna watch a few more and back to slp for me.



Sunday, November 29, 2009?
it has come to a point that every reason i came up for me to hate has been forgotten.
thats just me. i cant bear grudges for too long ...
and it is because of this that caused my current state of mind.

idk.. i feel quite lost now ...
all the old memories are emerging from within my thoughts and once again i'm feeling like crap.
there are many things that are so sensitive that i dun even wanna put it in my blog.
there are times i really wish i would private my blog so i can pour my heart and soul out.
but because of self denial, i wont do so. it is already a big hint.

still, i know my stand.

i have been struggling with a decision, but it seems like i have not come up with a conclusion yet.
not that the conclusion matters now.

a few days back, jon made a closure with my sis. it seems like they are finally over..
but no matter what, their ending is still better then mine. pft ..

there is stuff about me that i haven been sharing with anyone, and that is probably the main problem now. still, i dun wish to say anything.. maybe its due to pride, or a sign of weakness.

tsk ... my thoughts are already flooding and yet i'm saying nothing..
maybe one day it will happen.



Saturday, November 28, 2009?
its another day...
was feeling quite emo ..

another day of sf4 and stuff..
danny came over .. i cant remember yesterdays details for some reason ...

at night my dad woke up and jio me and danny go yishun eat, and called jon along ..
and we went ...

and jon ended up at my place yesterday night.

had a mini misunderstanding between danny, but guess things are cleared up now.
this is what happens when u hang out too regularly with a person..
but hope it wont ruin our friendship ..

theres two kind of people, one that occupies their mind with other stuff until their wounds are healed
the other is those who keeps banging themself on the wall over and over again until all the hurt become numb.

i just hurt myself more yesterday ..
i think its no use trying to become those people who try to preoccupy their minds.
one day ill feel no more.
but now. it still hurts like shit.

one day when all is gone, all is forgotten, when im ready,
ill go back for my last bang.
who knows, it might turn out good then.



Friday, November 27, 2009?
yesterday was quite fun ...

cept the fact that it turns out that i didnt book anything online at all ..
my trip to cdc today was just to book a etrial and ftt slot one month later zzz
o well ..

anyway headed down to lasalle for some sf4 tournaments within friends lol ..
my zangief is undefeated so far haha ..
ill skip boring details ...

basically thats about it ... i haven really slept since previous night ...
god im tired ...

*rant alert, read at own will*

just that these few days ive been missing my exgf a lot, and somehow a part of me keep telling myself its not her fault.
but i dun dare to say i would have done the same.
its quite situational.

but anyway i keep asking myself why does that thought keep coming back.
maybe she really has the biggest impact of my love life thus far.
like how a meteor crash into the ground and forever leaving a concave area on the surface.

i really hope when the new month comes all these thoughts and feelings would be of the past.
and i can just treat october and november like a period of either mistakes sorrow or whatever it is. this is taking too much out of my life ..

but its really been awhile since i smile of true happiness ..
miss those heart warming moments that we had ..

i can still feel the thousands of shattered pieces of my heart ..
quote "im still quite bruise and battered from my previous relationship" hmph ..
o well ..

well gonna use com awhile more and sleep ..



Thursday, November 26, 2009?
not much happened yesterday ...
i overslept for my etrial and woke up at around 7pm ...

danny came over and sf4 ..

yeah thats about it ..
sucks that my life is getting flatter and flatter each day ..
wheres my ups and downs ...

why do i still miss my ex gf .. hmm ..
how long more till i get over her ?


ok i survive not falling asleep by watching tv on hbo
need to go to the etrial today or i can prepare to fail my ftt
i should lay off romance show man .. makes me feel like shit .. lol ..

hope etrial later isnt too hard..



Wednesday, November 25, 2009?
shall blog before i no mood again ...
lets start with daily journey ...

-woke up at 5+
-faz and yuki bought movie tix at marina square at 630
-zomg wtf, took one of the fastest shower ever ..
-2012 is a enjoyable show, should watch it :D
-show ended about 2h 15mins later.
-faz and yuki was nice enough to wait for me to reach, reach about 10 mins into the show
-after that chillx abit and talking about how they want to book me for christmas
-i say ok ill place u guys as priority number 2
-they wtf-ed
-i say " must think of my future mah, if got eligible gf wanna spent christmas together with me ofcourse ill put her as number 1"
-yes, thats quite asshole
-if one day i make the girl my wife then u guys know it was a good investment .. hahahahah
-im retarded.

-went to simpang around 10+ to eat my first meal of the day wtf ..
-joski brendan ben jon danny
-after that went my house for sf4 session
-aaron came too .
-sf4 till 6+ 7.

thats about it .
my day in point form .
lousy point form .. still so long .. haha ..

i secretly use one of their fb account view my exgf profile .. hahaha ..
cannot still miss her meh ? im only human .. a weak one, but still human ..

she seem .. different .. looks different from what i remembered her to be ..
she gives off a vibe ..
like i never knew her ...
hmmm ...

she still looks pretty to me but the cuteness is gone ... idk why ..
its just weird ...
those scratch head weird ..

maybe cuteness is the way u act, not on looks.
she just reverted back to her original self..
(hint* i like cute girls)
well she did make some changes for me
but i think she's more suitable for the cute side.

but wat the heck ..
to her im just a memory she want to sweep under the rug ..
to her all the efforts ive put in are condamned and erased by all the nasty stuff i did.

maybe towards the end all i hoped for was that in her mind i remained as a good boyfriend who made some fatal mistakes.
but apparently i proved otherwise at the very end ...

just sian that when a new month comes ill have to collect money from her again ..
arg ..

ok i made too long of a post out of her.

anyway .. i kinda symphatise jon now ...
we might not have an identicle problem here but we definitely feel that same shit ...
poor him .. hope he learn to let go soon..

its like how i dun want to let go ..
but i told him to save the last amount of dignity and just do it..
biting on will do him no good ..

for some reason, "i dun want him to interfere in our lives" keep going over and over in my head.
this is half true but god ... i lost my ex to some other guy whose future is murkier then mine
arg .. theres i so many things i want to rant about him now but i probably shouldnt ..
if only i lost to a guy who is hands down better then me.
3 of my exgf now has chosen some other person then me ..
damn ...
love .. is a weird weird thing ...

its weird how i suddenly have a random thought maybe im happier single ?
immediately "nah, i felt super awesome in my last relationship"
weird ..

ok nuf emo shit for today ..

ok plan for later
get advance theory book and study for the etrial later

cycle down to ubi(lolwtf)


cycle back home(i assume it will be faster since i know the routes)

5pm onwards
ask danny come my place to practise sf4 while i catch some shut eye.

problem is im very tired already haha ..
hope i 1 shot pass my ftt on 4th december so i can move on with my practicle ..
license, here i come..

her DP face keeps popping up in my brain, shit im beginning to miss her again ...
ill try to keep my brain occupied now ..

chow ..



Tuesday, November 24, 2009?
blah blah blah ...
cut hair, arcade, crossfire, simpang ...

simple day..
after chilling at simpang suddenly got gambling mood lol ...
omg i saw a super pretty girl at simpang today !!!! ok ..
should have took a picture ..

and with my short hair i look like small boy, again ..

not sure whether i can wake up for movie tmr ..
need to buy my advance theory book !

anyway .. i cant believe after all this jon still tried to go back for my sister ..
sigh ... i really really ... judge him ...

and he was still talking big about how he got over her ...
tmd ...

not much rants for today .. good thing i guess ...


and im not aslp yet wtf .. how to wake up for movie

anyway i suddenly feel very jealous ...
sigh ...
qualities qualities ...
seems like he has alot more ..

what do i have ?
im still young ..

if i still dun bloom by the age of 25 im gg ..
im forever stuck with that standard ..

but a rose that is not full bloom is the prettiest ..
another note of reminder.
optimism = self denial ..
lol ..

maybe i should text them to delay the timing of the show ..
im really keen on watching 2012.


as my alone time increases, my brain thinks more and more ..
maybe more and more sensible ...
the thoughts that are running through my head now are quite confusing too ..
im not even sure whether does it make sense or not ..
but rather then pondering over it ..
maybe its better if i put them down in words ..
i can probably think about it thoroughly some other time ...

the days of me being single is getting longer and longer now ..
im also not sure how long is it till the next one come ..
but all these while i have been thinking of my own flaws ..
thinking of all the mistakes i have made ...
fearing whether will i repeat them in my next relationship ...
even when surfing the net or out with friends these questions and fears are still running in the back of my mind ..

all the critisism that my exgf made to me are still quite vivid.. whether it made sense or not i always remember a comment made towards me ..
i always keep it in mind because they definitely said or felt that way for a reason ..

ever since ive been blog jumping just now something inside me just rang ...
its hard to explain .. but its kinda like telling me that all these while i have been very self centered, even if im thinking about my own mistakes i always dun care about how others feel .
in the end im still doing things for myself ..
everyone is going on with their lives, each moment tons of people are feeling how im feeling, and everyone has their own worries...

i forgotten where i heard this line but its " how can i love a man who doesnt even love himself"
somehow this line affected me alot as a pessimist.
maybe its a contributing factor to why i always think so much about my own flaws. because i want to improve myself and my qualities.

but after that i did not really pay attention to anything else other then myself ...
maybe this is the root of my selfishness ...

but still i wanna say i have been selfless in my last relationship, towards the end at least ...
i want to get her off my mind, but she deserve to stay in my memories forever.

single life sucks, screw all those who enjoys it ..
u haven taste real love before ..

note to myself, never bind someone because u love them, and never let ur love ones bind u.
act of selflessness, is important..
well if u really love someone this quality will automatically appear.

im not sure what im saying anymore .. just typing anything already .. prolly should get some shut eye before i wake up at night ..



Monday, November 23, 2009?
soccer yesterday was ... ok ...
my first time playing in field competitive match ..
apparently me and danny was recruited as sub players for brendan's church team ..
and his friends said my defensive skills are there but im not a field player.
like i cant really judge timing for headers ...
thx to basketball and batminton i guess ..

i always jump too early ...

sigh .. my dad being his anal self and manage to annoy the shit out of me again today.. twice ..
lets not talk about it .. but guess he will never change ..
lets hope if i get into another relationship in the near future he wont be an obstacle.

cycled back from tampines is quite tiring on danny's bike ..
chill with danny brendan and went home :|

should i wow ?
tmr cut hair !!

okay ~~


its no point..
no matter how hard i try it wont be possible with my current social circle..
sigh .. i must expand ...

abit lazy to though .. but maybe its worth it ..


i went back to her blog today.. seems like she enabled everything back on again :|
why am i still trying to know what's going on in her life hmmm ...

she has already become another check point in my life.

the feeling i have now ... its quite similar to the feeling i had for my first ex gf ...
i think my feelings for my 5th will remain unchanged for a very long time .. at least till i fall in love again ...

for some reason it felt like a very long time already but its only 1+ weeks since every thing has ended ...

idk .. at least this is not a very tormenting feeling ...
for some reason i still feel that she visit my blog once in awhile ...
my male intuition

ok nuf of this shit for now ..
gonna prepare and cut hair, then bugis arcade maybe ?



Sunday, November 22, 2009?
woke up at only 7pm yesterday after i slept in the morning ..
went back to danny's for the bbq.. got abit bored halfway and went home to have dinner..
then went back around 11 ..

played some sf4, fifa 10..
my sister borrowed my bike and rode to east coast park o.O
and so i have to walk to danny's ..

im abit lazy so ill just summerise it.

at one point in the night i took danny's bike and cycle home, took my ps3 controller for fifa 10
and while riding my own bicycle, i use one hand to control the danny's bicycle back.. hahah..
im so awesome.. :P
and almost fell twice..

i STILL havent fall down while riding my bike :)
my sister told me she fell twice today ..

well to round it all up ..
nothing much really happened today...
seems like my life is slowly back to normal ...
the thought of her is growing less frequent..
soon i guess.. soon ..

still trying to find eligible partners but efforts seems futile ..
maybe im being a lil too desperate here..
but im scared the moment i start "letting them come to me"
another 3 years have passed ...

but with my current life its hard to attract any one ..
the moment i devote myself back to gaming ill reduce my chances even more :(
o well..

i'll just enjoy my holidays for now..
who knows, my next gf might be just around the corner ..
optimism ... a way of self denial :)

o ya .. soccer later .. ill set 2 alarms .. if i cant wake up then its fated i wont be able to play today .. boo hoo..


i awake ... and still tired .. guess ive been sleeping too much recently
must remind myself i have e-trial at cdc in 3 days time ...
kinda excited .. haha ..

weird... i dreamt of my ex gf again ... but this time when i woke up it felt quite sweet ..
haha .. gotta love those lurvey durvey dreams .. wonder when will that happen in reality ..

i missed soccer today D:
but danny called me and asked me to play soccer at 8+ later with brendan and his church friends..
nice .. i get to play soccer after all ..

actually im planning to apologise to my ex gf a few months later for what ive did ..
idk ... apologising to someone after doing what i've did is prolly not going to mean anything to her.. but .. lets just say its smth i want to do .. maybe it will make me feel better ..

just wanna make sure when i apologise there is no feelings involve already.. at least then when she ignore me it wont make me all emo ...

gonna bathe and wow abit :D
update in abit ..



Saturday, November 21, 2009?
thing i should blog before i lose my mood to do so,
trying to make an entry everyday..

well yesterday + this morning was ... ok ...

primary sch gathering was simple and pretty enjoyable i guess ...
rong, jaz, jo, yy, ks and cc.
uno, taidi, and paranormal activity..

it was so boring that we skipped alot of part .. hahah.
but the part when the "demon" dragged her out of bed and into the hallway, i lol'd, idk why...
it was quite funny...
like "eh wtf ? hahahahahahah"

super disappointed in that show..
anyway.. still kind of disappointing that i have to leave so soon..
the distance really makes it hard to hang out long enough ...
cant wait till i get my license and my own car..
then everywhere wouldnt be a prob..

kinda reminds me i have to buy my advance theory book, kinda lost mine...

i went straight to danny's house after that at round 1 am.
theres like 20 people there ? super crowded..
they were like holding 3v3 SF4 tournaments ...

2 TVs 4 controllers ..
only played a few games of casuals ...
watched those pros play for most of the time..

too bad it could have been a decent day if it wouldnt have been this guy...
one of those players over there...
sorta ask told me like he recognise me..
and ask me whether i know cherlie.
said he's a friend of hers .. know her through basketball ..
the thought of her made me quite emo .. haha ..

sad to say as my hate for her slowly dissipate, my remaining feelings for her grew more obvious.
too bad when i decided to do what ive did i know theres no turning back. i would be branded a enemy to her, her friends and anyone close to her..

but it was needed to make myself free..
if she was to make such a decision for her own happiness.
so would I.

too bad she is not those kind of person who would take a mile in another's shoe..
so whatever i was doing and was saying is all bullshit and make no sense.

ok ..
im not going to explain the scenario but i realise.
im still shy in front of girls..
haha ..

shit .. how to get new gf asap like that ?
maybe thats why i was single for 3 years until my previous gf decided to get closer to me..
hmmm ...

o well .. enough for now .. im going to do weekly routine,
naruto bleach and maybe a bit of wow till im drop dead tired.
and later today, back to danny's house for bbq, apparently today was just a chill/gaming session.

ok chow.



Friday, November 20, 2009?
arg .. so tired .. but i guess blogging here is healthy..
one day in the future.. maybe a few years later i can look back at my posts and just laugh or mused about it.

well .. she keeps coming back into my head from yesterday, but its a weird way .. like a weird feeling inside of me.. is it like a guilt or smth ? or i miss her but i know it is a thing of the past ?
just something quite indescribable but not a good feeling.

does guys who just dun give a shit, and care less in a relationship gets the upperhand ?
it just seem true, and they dun get hurt that much in the end too..
be it ignorant or oblivious it just seems like a better deal.

maybe love is just a game.. just need to be tactical about it, strategies ...
like cat string theory..
how we can use a ball of strings to sway it around and just see the cat trying to catch it..
the moment we give it to them, they will play with for awhile and lose interest.

sigh ... too bad im not those kind of guy who can pull this off...

but at the moment.. every guy who uses this technique is doing well in love life..
maybe sweet and romantic, be there whenever u need and worrying for the well being is outdated, overrated.

i just cant admit to the fact that the one who care less in the relationship wins.

at the beginning of my 5th relationship, i was happy that my ex love me more then i do.
until one day i begin to love her more, it is when the down slope started.

" the one who care less in the relationship wins .."
crude, heartless ...
but it might be true .. sad to say..

if thats the case, i somehow would rather stay single ..
why cant i love someone with all i got and get praised for it ?

well , lets hope the primary sch gathering today + danny's place bbq will cheer me up again


idk why im still having the emo vibes..
i think my previous relationship really left a bad scar ..
i think i should just stop ranting for awhile..

sometimes i think that no one is reading ...
why am i still hoping someone would cheer me up..



Thursday, November 19, 2009?
ok danny just went home ...
he actually turns out to be a really great company ...
its been awhile since i lol'd till i tear and stomach aching...
hahah ... at the most retarded jokes evar !

maybe this is those kind of life im lacking thats why i always want to be attached..
but now no sch no work and TEKKEN 6 AND WOW + friends is completing my life.
tekken 6 is a GOOD investment ... hahaha ...

im like so in love with this character called christie..
like *drools ... hahaha ...

im still kinda on my high mood now .. hahah ...
find one day wanna find some clubbing kaki ...
this is the first time i just want to go clubbing to enjoy loud pounding music instead of trying to know girls...
i dunno why ~~

well if i get to know girls it will be a bonus XD

im still feeling abit guilty hehe..
maybe i should avoid the relationship topic or girls in general for awhile..
quite impossible :P

hope food will stop reminding me of someone so i can eat normally from now on..

gonna wow or smth till im drop dead tired


sigh ...
today one of my fears came true..
while i was playing wow all of the memories of my previous relationship came rushing into me.
like her face, her smile, her sorrows ...
those faces i thought i already gotten rid of from my mind ...
after all, it has been 11 days since i last saw her...
and it is because of wow, it caused our inevitable break up.
The last expression I ever saw on her face is a sweet smile, on her best friend's profile.
and lets just keep it this way. and forever in my mind she will stay like that.
still feeling abit guilty ...

maybe love is really like a drug..
it made me so happy, so high.. everyday theres an adrenaline rush inside me.
its like i would do anything to get "love", go to any extend.

but when everything is over, i still feel so empty inside.
nearly 4 years back, i manage to pull myself out of the circle of love.
maybe its time to do so again.

but still .. no doubt love is still the most enjoyable feeling ive ever felt.

but for now...
i plan to replace everything that would ever remind me of her with someone else, be it friend or another victim of mine. or even better, replace it with my own footsteps.

maybe if i numb my brain long enough, ill forget about most of the things eventually..

I can forgive, and amazingly, I can forget.
forgetting is a blessing.

ok enough of that ...

got a feeling later is going to be a fun night..



Wednesday, November 18, 2009?
i feel abit here and there
sad and happy

i guess its the holidays already..
time to spend some time rotting at home..
hope more thing comes up ..

have a feeling this is going to be a very lonely and boring holiday.
but lets just hope for the better.
once in awhile ill make some effort to go out..

and i missed today's presentation.
im so dead..
if i really fail my nafa first term ...
maybe i deserve it...
lets hope not ...

the thought of yet another lonely christmas, new year, valentine, is sooo sian ....

anyway.. my friend just called me, say i might still be able to come for presentation.
ok im going prepare fast now ..


ok i end up not going .. wtf ..
hmmm ...
should i spend my money on tekken 6 or wow top up ?
wow seems abit better cos at least i get to interact with other players,
besides, rizal is playing too :D
the thought of releveling another character is such a pain..

tekken 6 is quite good too but more expensive, heard it has new feature and has a rating like almost the perfect game ... hmmmmmm

might have enough for both haha ..
see how ba ...

well gonna leave house for awhile..


ive been deleted from facebook ..
for some reason ..
i feel very guilty for what i've done ..
o well ..
today will be the last time i check out her profile through another person's account.
and she got new pictures which I couldnt see.

maybe im just not cut out to do fucked up things like this.
cos at the end of the day, ill criticise myself for doing such a thing.
now .. a part of me want to hate .. another part of me want to apologise.

something is wrong with me ...
maybe i too shall just stop doing anything already ...
idk ..


oh no ... im feel damn guilty !!!!
o well ...
but apparently its no longer those kind of sigh i shouldnt have said those things now i have screwed my chances with her.
its those o no, i should have kept that thought to myself now i made an enemy.

no matter how i dislike someone or whatever the person did, i can never bare grudges for too long.
i can never stay angry at anyone or anything..

SORRY !! forgive or not just have a good life from now on, hope our paths wont ever cross,
since u are utterly disgusted by me and i have broken the last trust u had..

even though i doubt there was any left.

ok .. got that out of my system ..
something that is worth a thought.

1) if i cant stay angry, and i cure my temper, i might become like a monk. buddha or smth. since i can get angry or stay angry..

2) a girl once said to me: " its no good if u learn how to make me happy, every girl wants different thing. but for guys, all of u all want the same thing."
its worth a thought actually.

cos i really dun think she is talking about sex, well all guy wants sex no doubt. but appease us by giving sex ? i dun think thats the point. so sex is out. or at least thats not me.

i think i'll start with 2 categories first.

those kind of guys who loves attention from the girlfriend, and those that do not.
maybe thats the main factor. if girls grasp that it would be easy.
idk ..

girls on the other hand..
im not sure how to sort them into categories.
maybe those that are on the cute side and those that are on the mature side.
but obviously there is a lot more.. hmmm
ill find one day to think about it..
maybe after that it would be easier to win a girls heart.

o well..

I shall relax myself until i get my result and hope i pass.
but finally no stress no worries.
but no companionship and no happiness.

hmmm so i'm back to square one now ...
lets hope i get my romantic life back..
romance in life is full of colours.
but for now im forced to get use to this black and grey life.

anyway yesterday, i hang out with my class mate at bugis food junction for like 8 hours.. haha
and went home sleep straight.
maybe thats why i over slept + previous night i didnt sleep.
update again later :D



Tuesday, November 17, 2009?
omg ... i have approx 3 hours to do work !!!

for some reason since i started doing work till now,
i've not been doing much.

o no ...

There's these thoughts that are running through my head,
that lets me clench my fist in hatred everytime i think of it.

I need to get it out of my head.
the thought that i was selfishly "replaced".
Its no longer a statement of opinion.
Its a fact.

and a few more things ..

arg ..
doing work obviously dun take my mind off stuff.


let me quote something.

Cher Tan sigh. its so true that people wont treasure whatever they have till its gone. yet many find reasons and excuses for committing that mistake in order to feel better or bring the other party on a guilt trip. seriously, aren't there other better things to do? =/

I guess its a post made after she read my blog ?

yes true, i did not treasure.

(btw, ur back here to show the world ? sigh, dun do that.. forgive me or not, i actually feel bad. sorry.)


Im progressing !! Im tight on time but still possible..
getting abit excited .. haha ..
when u know u can complete ur last minute work it feels damn good..
lol ..

imma continue after a quick drag.



Monday, November 16, 2009?
god .. i took a 6 hours break unintentionally.

i guess really no more sleep.
i got 12 hours left to complete my work to keep a steady pace.
too bad im fucking trashed right now...

why does her every word still affects me so much ...
and why the hell does she thinks that i am the one who is trying to lose contact with her ..
u know what..
if she dun give a fuck, maybe i should learn to not give a fuck too ..

i almost typed in her name on facebook search bar just now, but decided not to.
quite proud of myself.
its like saying no to cigarette.

ok work time ...

please talk to me if u want to :) im freaking bored.
ill be on msn till tuesday.


almost 12 hours left for my work,
i need to triple my work rate.
Yes, its possible.
cos ive been slacking even at the last minute.
im actually feeling abit ... weird now ...

to sum it all up,
im glad it happened,
passion always triumph.
maybe its not love that is blind..
its the passion it contains..

just because of 'that', i have to be sacrificed ..
being in oblivious was a shitty feeling.
at least now i know what to avoid doing next time.

every relationship is a learning process.
theres nothing more to learn from this already.
I will never cry everyday because of this again.
imagine at 2am, alone at a park bench, crying ur eyes out. talking to no one,
kneeling on the floor and beg to the air. for an hour.
and crying almost every night to sleep.
im dehydrated.

This event has enlightened me to see things differently from now on.

its ok if everything i've done since that incident can be negated by a single passion,
and my presence is a mere obstacle and annoyance.

it is just so simple, it always has been. I worked my mind too much to layout every possibility only to find out that it is just a straight path.

but who am i to blame u,
I'm a person who work on passion too, thats why i fell in love with u.

If u wanna remove me from ur life because of passion, i gladly oblige.
but please, ur not making a clean cut. U dun know me well enough.
but thx for putting my feelings into consideration.
but by hiding from me, u hurt me more.
so ya, thx but no thx.

Well. today's post is a marking point of genesis.
if one day i managed to get her to change the wireless modem name, ill be truly free.

lets wait till the day my love for her truly dissipate
Its time for me to think about my own happiness now.
still, in order to gain ur happiness, u made me suffer 3 weeks of sorrow that i have never felt before.
in the end, we end up giving each other our happiest and most heart breaking relationship.
Guess.. we are even now ..
but lucky u, u have someone now.

godamit its always easier for a girl to find a new love.

yes this post is meant for my exgf.

for those we completed this post, thanks.
and like my single self ... got girl intro ?
then ill end up being picky..

P.S : thanks jon for making everything possible, ur anal, but have ur good points.
Please get over my sister or do something bout urself.





ok im going to nap awhile.. if ANYONE IS READING THIS ..
please wake me up at erm .. 11am later ?
im quite tired already ..


i over slept :(

3hours 45 mins left.
all wish to say is i need to rush and ...
i feel damn upset about certain things ...


o no.. im off schedule ..

ill try to finish before 1900.



after dinner im going to work on my cd cover and progression ...
lets do this ..

"U actually did this to me, Ill not let u consume my mind"



Sunday, November 15, 2009?
Im in need to rush my ISP.
I cant sleep anymore.
Lets hope i can finish it on time.

Its abit gay to say this and i know u wont be reading this.
but thx for being there for me this few days.

really needed someone.

thx to those who let me rant and hear my sorrows.
it is almost over now.
Ill treat u guys to a meal or smth ..

hahah ...

well .. lets do this shit.


sigh .. this girl im talking to ...
our thinking is too different..

slash out from list ...


for fuck sakes.... GET OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND !
i have no time to think about you.


how i wish i have someone to care for me now :(
im lonely, tired and sad.

boo hoo ...

as much as i wanna find a girlfriend now i know i wont be able to get one ill really be happy with for a long time .. sigh ...


seriously ..
its not that i dun like these dreams,
but i would rather not have it if its gonna screw up my mood and affect my day.

I guess its back to work...


work is progressing slowly .. but at this rate at i just might be able to complete everything in time. thats provided if i dun sleep again tonight.

by tomorrow 5pm or so i must finish the flash or im screwed.
so i have near 24 hours left.
its actually enough.
5pm onwards have to rush my developement, CD Cover design and the print outs.
that one is till tuesday morning 11.

With the current time managing seems pretty doable.

come to think of it, in the last 5 months of my relationship with cher..
i dare to say i spend near $1000 dollars on her but ...
i have never receive a single gift from her ...
5 months ..
O well ...


just watching slumdog millionaire with danny lol ..
im not sure whether its the right choice but i needed that break.

remaining of the post will be on draft, repost when i find out more.



Saturday, November 14, 2009?
yesterday ended up to be a ok day...
nothing bad really happened..

after my delivery i decided to go to the 8th floor, a sky garden we hang out a few times at.
took a few deep breath and prepare myself for the road to come.
no more companionship which i lack the most.
no more tender loving care.
no more care and concern from the one i love.

thinking to myself, im not sure when will be the next time i will step foot in kallang again.
At that moment i felt a sudden sense of tranquility, one that i have never felt in a few months.
not since the first few times we dated.

at that moment i keep wondering whether that is a sense of tranquility of just loneliness,
but whatever it is. It is a feeling that will be hard to forget, its those kind of feeling whereby
u just finished watching the last episode of ur favorite tv programme.

just thinking, all the enjoyment and fun is over, whats next?
sigh ... its not exactly a very wonderful feeling.
but sometimes u just wish u want to watch the show all over again.
or will there be a sequel. well thats something i'll find out in the future.


i have to stop looking at her profile.
watching her and felix get closer and closer is not exactly a healthy thing,
It wont be long till he starts posting on her wall and commenting on her status regularly.
Well at least its lucky for her to find a decent guy so soon.
Hope I find another decent girl soon.

I'll need to rush my ISP from now on.
3 days till the due date.

maybe after that
ill continue being all "i have gotten over her vibes"
(which is currently untrue but in progress)
or maybe then i might be more or less over her.
in a sense i dun have the urge to see whats new anymore.

sad to say.
the memories are forever.
I'll never be able to hate her.

well .. gonna start doing work after a cig :)


ok fuck .. its like near 7 am and i haven been progressing in my work, im too tired to do anything now.
i must sleep !!!!

i still miss her somehow :(
hope the day that i dun talk about her in my blog come soon.
its getting pathetic ...

i judge myself .. haha ..
but well .. i dun blame myself ..
im not the easy to get over someone person.

gonna do work when i wake up .. or go out XD
ok chow nights world !
or morning ..



Friday, November 13, 2009?
Friday the 13th !!
what kind of day is it gonna be ?

lets find out :D

well guess me and her is a history now.
we had a good run .. hmph :|

evening today, is the final effort i'm going to put into the relationship we had.
hope i wont see her.


amen to that.
miracles dun happen.
we make miracles.
keep that in mind Kenneth Ng.
Dun ever cry over spilled milk again.

life is full of opportunities. when u get one dun over lose it.

and live with this quote for now. It helps u move on
Its all about self control.

Hope later is gonna be a better day :)


this is the first time after so many freaking days i actually slept so long.
woke up at 4 plus :)

well this is it. awhile later im going out to make the final delivery and then this is officially over.
i still feel abit shitty that things didnt turn out to be what ive expected but what the heck..
ive tried ...
sad to say that when i was down, when i knelt down on the floor and prayed for a miracle, nothing happened. or maybe the miracle has yet to come ? hahah
with that mentality i can always be stuck in denial.

o well ...

alright.. imma prepare now ..
update again :)



Thursday, November 12, 2009?
will i ever find another girl out there who can make me as happy as she did
a girl who lets me speak my mind without worrying she will judge me
a girl who wont judge me by my looks
a girl who enjoys the same things i do
a girl who i can truly feel comfortable with
a girl who made me change the opinion bout getting married
ive went single for 3 years just to let this happen to me again

there are times when i was with cherlie when i thought i wasnt good enough for her,
like im not goodlooking enuf, not build enuf or not tall enough
guess all these are true
i always thought my character and personality will compensate for all these.
but apparently i dun have such a wonderful personality after all.
im a burden, she deserves better.
i shall move on ...

listening to symphony actually soothes the mind ...


i wasnt able to take it anymore...
i broke down..
i just sat down at the bench near my place and just sob ..
sigh ...

red, swollen eyes and stuffed nose sucks.


it seems like as my relationship is getting worse and worse
my dreams just decides to get sweeter and sweeter, more vivid.
at one point i even felt that it was true.
maybe after all these is over i should sleep forever and stay in sweetness


just finish watching fast and furious on hbo
im gonna prepare and cycle to eastpoint and tampines to get some stuff for the final delivery tmr

these few days i have always hoped that she would suddenly decided to contact or meet me.
but guess those thoughts are just stupid.

after tomorrow i'll have to stop all the futile efforts.
I've tried everything in my abilities already, and if she still cant find the heart
to even accept me as a friend rather then a dating couple. Then theres nothing i can do

I'm not the type that gives up for the one I love.
But guess theres nothing else left to do.

maybe if she is the one .. our path will cross again in the future.
if only i can have another shot at this.


im home ...
please give me a miracle tonight ..
i just want a miracle.


give me a miracle...
give me a miracle ....


today is coming to an end ...
cmon !!! wheres my miracle !!
please give me one ...


i wanted a miracle...
not another argument..
she was upset that i contacted her friend ...

maybe the only key now is to ignite my anger again ...
when im angry now it just feels easier to let go.

ive did all i could.



Wednesday, November 11, 2009?
sigh ...
maybe its really too late...

but i wont assume ..
arr... dun assume kenneth ng ! dun assume.


i feel alot better after praying :|
living on a prayer.


theres actually an easier way out but i dun wanna take it :(
ill let my heart shatter 2 more times before ill let go.

before that ill still just keep my distance and wait.


i wish i could talk to u too ..
like about anything :(


how i wish i can just tell u im tired le, good night. sleep early.


just finished dinner.
served this vege, white stems with green leafs
bai cai or smth.
cherlie's favourite vege.
i ended up finishing my rice with nothing else except the vege ..

anyway i just realise she has a blog..
too bad friends lock is enabled.

sigh ...


sigh ... what happened to 11th november, the day ill ask her back.
what happened to 31/31

today is exactly 1mnth 1 week since we broke up
from a girl that felt hurt and loves me alot
she became easily irritated by me and hates me. avoiding me, for some reason hiding stuff from me.


what ever is happening i deserve it.
i asked for it.
i caused it.
ill have to accept it.

i already lost u.
no use being in denial anymore.


i cycled to tampines just now.. and went past all the places with memories.
it really just shouted for a brief moment.
its too much regret and agony for me to inhale in.
all the tears ive been holding back for so long have rolled down my cheek.

there's no point in avoiding the inevitable anymore, ive did all i could.
i'll just pass her stuff to her sister this friday.. she dun need my presence anymore.
it will make her feel worse.

now. ill have to hurt myself one last time.
hope i have the courage to do it.
to delete all her pictures, to remove all trace of her face, to let my mind and heart suffer from what we use to have and how i threw it all away again.

i love u and i wasnt able to maintain ur love for me.

as long as she is happy ...
my tears, hurt and regret means nothing anymore.

i can feel a spoon carving my heart now.



Tuesday, November 10, 2009?
guess what ..
its actually after 1am i miss her the most.
like what she's doing, slp already or not, eat already or not..

something damn retarded ...
i even thought to myself,
hmmm will she call me later and ask me to meet ?
then immediately from the back of my head "NO"

then i remembered she totally hates me now. haha wth.
i should sleep soon before i start to fantasies again.


i woke up at around 10 because of a very sweet dream.
but the moment i realise that is a dream i feel like shit.
i dun wanna move on ...
i love her ...
how i wish to send her a msg which says
"im sorry but i love u too much, i wont move on."
but .. love isnt selfish..
and that will probably irritate her.

just the thought of not being able to hug her again,
not able to feel her lips against mine again
and not even able to talk to her again brings tears to my eyes.
but is there anything else i can do to make her happy then staying far away.

the only thing now that still ties me and her is the very last few belongings she have with me.
and once i return it to i will have no more excuse, no more reasons to find her, to enter her life.

I would do anything for another chance. I want to be able to love her again.
hug her to sleep, wake up with her beside me, stare deep into her eyes and tell her how much she means to me, that i love her.



Monday, November 09, 2009?
after 35 long days of struggle its finally over.
ive ruined my chances even till the very end.
guess i wasnt being delicate about the situation and too selfish.

Kenneth Ng .. its finally time to move, u did everything u could and shouldnt.
let this be a lesson, let ur regrets make u a stronger and better person.

I may have become what i was 6 months back, a lonely person who always hoped for love.
but this 6 months has not been wasted.

Lets hope life from now on isnt too shabby.
i need to enhance myself.


i cant help it, got tempted to read what has happened the last one month.
and how she react to me.

im really a moron. hahaha ..
in the end everything has come up to my own insecurity and distrust.
o well ..
too late to do anything now.
she hates me.
just have to rant at her yesterday, could have ended it asap as a good night.

she said smth which kind of scared me, smth bout most girls nowadays have motives.

at least im sure theres no more hope.



guess ill definitely survive without msging her today
i cant msg her :(
and she hates me .. realise it is everyday around this time i miss her the most.
i have no idea why.
now everything i do now reminds me of her ...
sigh ....
almost cried when having dinner just now,
guess my dad knows about the break up.
actually how im acting now everyone will know theres smth wrong..

i still miss her :(


its almost the end of today ! and i survive day one without messaging her.
well, it seems like my withdrawal symptoms are
5pm-8pm dinner time
10pm onwards
and the moment i just wake up.
that explains why i've been waking up abruptly and the moment i wake up i cant go back to sleep

well today was a super super bored day..
for readers maybe u can see i went crazy with my tagboard talking to myself
sorry bout that, having fun with my alter ego.

I love it when my memory decided to bring myself back to those moments i asked her for break ups. and when she cried because of me.
it totally makes me feel like shit :)

i need to leave her alone now though
maybe in the future. ill get back together with her again.
its not like i have the heart to get another girlfriend soon.
maybe shes my next girlfriend

well ...
maybe if i dun sleep that early u will see me post emo shit again :D

Ill try to start doing my work tomorrow.
need to get use to staying at home for like 4-5 days in a row again.



Sunday, November 08, 2009?
guess my prayers have been answered
but it is to end my torment.

within hours i have looked on the brightside.

this time, no more false hope, no more love and no more chance.
guess i have been trying too hard.

its only time to live in regret.
but later in the evening is our final meeting as a ex couple.

well, at least i know it was coming.
i knew that the moment i have said those harsh things to her it was the end.

lets just list down some errors.
1) not all girls enjoy stickiness
2) i did not trust my ex gf enuf.
3) i did not believe in her enough to let her go out without worrying.
4) no matter what, accept all flaws. That is love.
5) If i truly do not mind her past, dun ever use it against her. It shatters the trust immediately.
6) Breaking up is a taboo word, no matter what dun say it out of impulse and think clearly do u really want to break up.
7) no matter what, put her feelings as number 1.
8) if your girlfriend loves u, they wont cheat on u no matter what. so let them have fun, dun worry bout them.
9) always date someone long enough before engaging in a relationship.
10) it has been and still is my policy, never hide ur sadness to ur partner, unless u intend to hide it forever and stomach it or it would become a time bomb.
11) always differenciate honeymoon period and what happens after that, partner might become 2 different person.
12) when ur partner starts lying to u, dun always thing that something bad is happening or that she might be cheating on u. maybe the fault is on ur own.
13) do not live ur relationship on obligations, do it because u love the person and u want to see them happy.

the above factors are all the problems that have occured with my 5th.
be it me or her.
but i have stepped over the threshold and have no longer any chances.
guess its game over for me.
if only i had another credit. :x

im the sweetest and the most bitter. o well, im no longer her best.

"as long as she is happy"
"dun cry because it is over, be happy because it has happened"
"she is a sensible person"

these are some of the quotes that is keeping me from going all emo.
still im sad that from now on ill have to live my life in regret.
from now on its hard to love another person anymore, might take months or even years for this to heal..
and even longer for me to find another.

my 6th girlfriend, ill treat her the best, from all the past mistakes i have learn, ill never hurt another girl like i did before.
lets just see how many years is that gonna take.
im prolly be old and will be looking for a stable life then.

its not that i dun wanna keep my promise, she doesnt want to be with me anymore. she stated it very clear that no matter what i do or what i say, or even if no one wants her, she will never be together with me. because of all the fear and hurt and uncertanties i have injected into her.

now im gonna make a short list of these 35 days of breakup, what have i change. pft .. i didnt even make it till 11 november. such a loser.

1) i have greatly reduce my temper. in fact. i wont flare up anymore. argumentative maybe but never angry.
2) i have learn to give space
3)i have learn to cherish a relationship
4)i have learn to accept all flaws instead of changing them to my liking.

sadly the most vital one is still in process, but guess i cant practise anymore, i've fucked up because of this very last thing.

to trust and believe.

if only i were to enforce this earlier.
but o well.

well. lets see how the final chaper goes, hope it isnt too shabby.
i might not be able to romance her anymore but i wont make it a fucked up ending.
like all my love stories, they are a failure, and have a ironic ending.
1st. after waiting 1 and a half years, she ended up with someone else and broke her promise.
2nd. after a long struggle she still ended up with someone else. and broken up soon after i left.
3rd. is a fucking joke.
4th. i made a selfish decision for her to chose between 2 guys, including me ofcos, she didnt choose. and i left. in the end she left the other guy a few days later.
5th. i betrayed her trust and shattered her hope. but hope the epilogue is good.

guess this is it.
thx all readers.
keeping up with all my daily rants.
this story is about to come to an end, and my boring life will continue.

1930 later today will be the final meeting.
ill update.
i feel that if it turns out good it will be another long post.
so much for my happy ending.
i threw this away.

i smell another lonely christmas, new year and valentine.



Saturday, November 07, 2009?
my final stage of transformation
to have trust. to be able to let loose.
to love and expect nothing in return.
i dun wanna assume anymore.

cure my paranoid and insecurity.

this is my last stand.


hais .. wtf im awake ...
damn ...
its been one week since i last met her ...
shes been hanging out till late and sleeping in the morning.
i miss her.

its been since wednesday ..
why am i still being avoided? :(

one question.
has she already move on ?


she's prolly gonna wake up late and do the whole thing again.
when will i ever get to meet her.


Dear God ...

Please forgive me for I have sinned,
I have been backsliding and went wayward.
My thoughts have been tainted and full of impurities
I so humbly wish that there will be a turn of events in my situation.
or at least end my torment. For I have live my life recently in pain, denial and deception.

Please grant me the wisdom and courage to be strong, to love like how you love us,
to have faith and to trust.
For with that, my eyes will be open and my heart would be free.

and in jesus's name i pray, amen.

what i selfish prayer :|
anyway, living in the shadows is a tough feat.
lets hope i can have some fun tonight,



Friday, November 06, 2009?
enlightened in a way.

i have nothing to say.
ill just wait.

hope i dun wake up in like 5 hours time
and have a full fledge 5 hour dream about her
and feel all terrible again.


woke up at 530am and 7am by weird dreams..
luckily both time i manage to force myself back to sleep
waking up now is like .. more healthy ...
haha ...
like 1230 ..

i woke up at 1230 because i dreamt that i called her and she got pissed of at me and kupped my phone.. lol wtf ?

i have no idea what to do for today. school is out till my submission on 17th november.
maybe go for a swim or smth.
cant be bother asking anyone anymore cos i know no one will join me.

o well ..

guess i should think less. just do it, SWIM !
lets hope i dun get cramps halfway through and drown cause im alone and life guard isnt paying attention.


godamit.. jon says must wait 3 hours after having lunch before swimming.
guess i have 3 hours to rot at home..

come to think of it .. need to buy goggles and swimming trunks .. hmmm ...


in the end i didnt go swim :(
cos when i reached the swimming pool, they didnt sell trunks and goggles.
at first i was still keen to swim and i went century square and looked for it.
but when even bhg didnt sell them, i ended up spending time in arcade playing sf4.

after awhile i went tamp mall to look for it but cant find for some reason
so i met up with my dad at isetan.

had early dinner
then we went bedok together and scavenge for bicycle shop :P

managed to find one and bought a quite expensive bike :D

i rode all the way home.

when i was at tamp mall i got tempted and called cher.
she talked to me like stranger :(
at least she answered ...
* pats on back
she hasnt been online the whole day since last night.
wonder what is she doing hmmm...

at least now when im suffocating at home i can go out and enjoy some breeze.
lets hope something happens in my life..

i feel that its gonna be a boring period .


i find it damn pathetic that im trying to talk to her by msn nicks,
private msg,
wall status
or by blog.

what does you belong with me mean?

im prolly thinking too much.


i feel all heart wrench again ...
i shouldnt have stalked her page ...

FUCK !!!!!!
FUCK !!!!!!



Thursday, November 05, 2009?
omg ... why am i awake at this time ?!?! worse time to wake up ...
lol i drink drink drink then fall asleep on couch ..
shit im sober ...
i should get myself drunk again.


i know im making the right choice by selling my soul for love.
if anyone have other opinions about that, fuck off.
i would rather be lonely without friends and love
then to lose someone i truly love.

everything that has happened seems so recent.
i can feel the moment of grief, happiness, anguish and sorrows
just like i was in that very situation.
this is the time when i need to forget but i cant.

deep down im still in denial.
i still believe there is hope.
i believe theres a future.
i believe we could still work things out as long as the approach is right.

but theres another side of me which tells me that it is all over.
i have screwed up.
i had thrown away my opportunities.

im permenantly robbed of every chance.
it just seems like my last stand have also failed.
it might have made a slight impact but
if i know her correctly, her decision was well thought, stern.
maybe my words can just do this much.
but still. Ive decided what ive decided.
im never going to go back on my words.

just feeling very lost now.
cant even talk to her when shes online now.


keep thinking of what she said.
"i still enjoy ur company but theres no feeling there le"

isnt this what happens in most relationship ?
cant expect a relationship that she wants and still be fiery and passionate.


im home :(
im bored :(
im lonely :(
im sad :(
wo shi lian le !!!!

wanted to catch up with my friends but end up none of them are free.
so i ended up roaming around bugis aimlessly
just letting all the memories run through my mind again and again.

always hoping i would bump into someone i know
or her.

went to tampines buy some stuff
and bought some octopus sushi for myself.
how everything reminds me of her.
come to think of it, i dun think ive ever felt so bad when i fell out of love.
at least then i was sad but i could live my life properly.
maybe time is the only medicine.

i still dun believe this is over.
as long as one day she's still single, there's still chance.
call me stubborn.
but i call this resilience

sometime i wish she was reading, so she would know how i feel.
i hate putting up tough fronts.

arg .. everytime my phone rings, everytime i recieve a msged i would
immediately look and hope its her.
never happen.
o well ..

life goes on ...

ill prolly post another post like 1 hour later because im alone and so freaking bored
guess blogging here is sort of talking to myself.


i keep thinking, maybe this is all a bad joke ? maybe its a reason to make me stay away awhile
but who am i kidding.
just hope she would change her mind ....
SAVE ME !!!!!!

maybe i should go out and take a walk.


why does her life without me seems so awesome and full of joy without me but my life without her is like shit?

maybe all these while she has been sacrificing her fun time to entertain me.
maybe i dun deserve her.

like i use to say, im never good enough for any person.
guess she's totally out of my league.



Wednesday, November 04, 2009?
this feeling is very lousy.
all the trust and promise im hanging onto now.
its the only thing left.

all the dreams i had..
it made me happy.
yet when i wake up it depress me even more.


sigh ...
always thought it wont happen so soon


jaz said to me

"are u 100% sure u love her."
"do u think she is the one."
"if you do, go for her no matter what happens"

should i sell my soul for love again ?


fighting back to hold my tears but fail.
she told me there isnt love anymore ..
my worse nightmare came true.
all these time ive been hoping
all these time ive been praying
but eventually it still happened.

today is exactly a month since we have broken up.
i have tried everything i could to bring her back.
but like all my love stories
I failed to.

its hard to let out fake chuckles and add joking comments in our conversation
hope she doesnt actually come back to my blog.
i can totally feel what does heart wrenching mean.
like i can visualize my heart wrenching.
theres no one better to talk to then her.

theres a million things i want to write down.
but seems like my hands are shivering already.
idk why too ..
maybe sadness causes hands to shiver ?
idk ...

im going to take the time off today and drink alchohol.
and cry over the matter.
lets hope i can release everything with every single droplet of tears.
life isnt the same anymore.
but life goes on.
sad to say we wont be walking hand in hand.
hope theres another bbfe out there for u.


walking back from buying mixer,
newspaper auntie ask
"Eh? alone ah? girlfriend leh?"
fuck my life.


getting drunk.
my last stand.
i dun wanna lose u.
but i dun wanna make u unhappy.



Monday, November 02, 2009?
its weird recently ...
no matter how tired or how trashed i am
ill always try to keep myself awake believing u might wanna meet me
but it never happens...


what am i doing to myself ..

ive been tired 3 hours ago.


maybe ...
seems like ...
i guess ...
probably ...
i should ...
this is ...
its useless ...
im still ...
o well ...
lets just hope ...
and i wish ...
my heart ...
goodbye ...


if only today i can still send u roses
if only today i can still embrace u and tell u i love u
if only today i can still date u
if only today was still like 2 months back
if only today we can still share joy together
if only today i still hear u say how much u love me
if only today u'll still tell me how much i meant to u
if only a month back a didnt say what i said.
cmon ... time machine !!!



fuck it im done worrying ..

there's too much coincidence to be left unassured.


chilling at simei starbucks
doing work and enjoying emo vibes.


really cx ... but o well
getting hungry from a few hours of work..
maybe going home soon :(



is it because i talk too much about my relationship ?
is it because im too annoying ?
is it because i need to be hidden ?
is it becuase there is something that need to be hidden from me ?
is it because u feel like i only call u as my last resort ?
or am i simply an unlikable person.

im getting a mass headache from everything.
seems like in my time of needs no one is there anymore.

ill just work myself till im exhausted and sick,
maybe then ill get some attention.
lousy day today.


million and one things i wish to say.
no one will listen.
many contradicting feelings
i fell into this chain once again.
where's my sunshine?
ill go rest and hope for the better.



Sunday, November 01, 2009?
wow wtf ?
its November already !!
time flies sometimes ...

went to watch arsenal vs tottenham match at elizabeth hotel yesterday
3-0 :D
the place is a bit disappointing but its not that bad i guess ..

so ya ..
gonna squeeze some brain juices now .. chow ..


there are times where i just look into your eyes, and hope u'll say smth romantic to me but it never comes,
there are moments which i wanted to make a selfish choice by asking whether you still love me but i never did.

things arent simple anymore, happiness is earned.


Kenneth Ng

Kenneth Ng

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count to 5 before making any moves it benefits
close my eyes, imagine and recall. My only source of happiness.
  What am i doing recently:

nothing at all

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